


Can't hide it

by Thats_gay



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:15:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28572117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thats_gay/pseuds/Thats_gay
Summary: Tobin Heath has always been the confident, laid back and chill member of the team. She didn't care what people thought about her. She always laughed and made pranks on everyone with Kelley and Ash.Well, until at one camp she doesn't. Her smile isn't so bright anymore. Her laughter doesn't sound real. She doesn't react to her girlfriend like she always did.And one night she can't keep it to herself anymore
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 21
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

It was the first camp after the Olympics. They won, but they didn't take another option into consideration anyway. Tobin was supposed to be happy, she was kinda happy, I mean, they won the Olympic Gold, just a year after winning the World Cup. They were indeed the best team in the world. What is there not to be happy about? But for Tobin it was different. Everything was different.

After 12 years of playing on the national team, the thought of big crowds became scary. She was going to propose to Christen, but now, now she couldn't. It didn't feel fair. She couldn't ask the most wonderful woman that lived on Earth to marry her, if she wasn't telling her the truth. And the truth hurt too much to say it out loud. So she just started building walls around herself, leaving everyone, including Christen, on the other side.

Tobin was roomed with Kelley for this camp and she couldn't be more grateful. Her energetic friend didn't care about anything that could intrude her pranks and jokes. Her and Ashlyn were the only people that still could make her genuinely laugh. It has always been the three of them against the boring world. Even though Christen was the love of her life, Kelley and Ash were one of the people she loved the most in the whole world.

"Okay, dude, what's going on?" Kelley asked the second night of the camp, when Tobin once again drifted away and didn't react to Kelley's absurdal story, or any of the questions she asked. "You've been somewhere else for half an hour now. I can tell that something's wrong, so just tell me. What's up?"

Tobin didn't answer. She just curled more into herself and wrapped her arms around her legs. In her eyes Kelley saw something she hasn't seen in Tobin's eyes since their first youth national team camp. It was panic. The woman was terrified and her friend had no idea why, or what to do with it. After about a minute she finally opened her mouth and as cheerfully as she could said "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." The defender tried once again, but when her friend didn't say anything and kept looking at her with eyes filled with fear and sadness, she decided to give it up for the moment. Instead she stood up and took some sweet chocolate out of her bag. "If you're not gonna talk, we might as well eat and drink some beer. Get the chocolate and I'll order room servis. What do you want to eat?"

"Will they kill us if we eat burgers?"

"They will, but I don't care." Kelley shrugged and took the phone to order their food.

Half an hour later, both women were drinking their second bottles of beer and finishing their burgers, Kelley eating the vegan burger, and Tobin a classic one. One moment though, they were laughing again, and another moment Tobin was bent over the toilet throwing up, and Kelley was holding her hair. The shorter woman's hand was trailing soothing patterns on Tobin's back.

"Shit maybe it wasn't the best idea." Kelley exclaimed seeing her friend puking out everything she ate and drank in past few hours.

Tobin has been throwing up for so long, that she didn't have anything left in her stomach and started spiting the bile out. She didn't have energy for anything, so she just decided to stand up and go to sleep. That's when the shit went down.

The lack of energy was bigger than the forward had assumed, and she stood up way too fast. The moment her legs were straight holding her up, everything went black, and she could only hear Kelley screaming her name.

Kelley wasn't fast enough to catch Tobin before she fell, but she managed to get a hold on her head, before it hit the floor. She immediately took her phone out and dialed the first number she thought of.

"Chris, come here. Fast. We have a problem." Her words didn't come out as stoic as she had planned, but at the moment she didn't really care. Christen didn't wait for further explanation, Kelley's panicked voice was explanation enough for her to leave everything and with Alyssa, whom she's been rooming with, on her toes, run to her girlfriends and best friends room.

Christen sprinted faster than she sprints when she sees an opportunity of scoring a goal in a national team game. Alyssa didn't have a chance of catching up with her, but there was no point in it anyway, since the door was locked. They started banging on it, cause of course Kelley forgot that she needed to open the door if she wanted them to get inside.

It only took few seconds for the defender to let them in, but for Christen it felt like they were hours. "I already called Vlatko and" Kelley started, but Tobin's girlfriend didn't let her finish.

"What the fuck happened Kelley?!" She walked inside and saw Tobin laying unconscious on her bed, where Kelley managed to carry her. "Why does my girlfriend look like she's dead? Is she breathing? Please tell me you checked if she's breathing." Christen started panicking, but she sat on Tobin's bed and took her hand.

"I'm not stupid Chris. Of course I checked if she's breathing. I also caught her head, so she didn't hit anything."

"Okay, so tell us what exactly happened?" Alyssa was the only person in the room, well except for Tobin, who remained calm. She put her hand on Kelley's back and guided her to sit on her own bed. She looked at her friend expectantly and silently kept looking at her until she spoke.

"So let's start with the fact that it's not my fault. Well, I hope it's not. Toby was acting weird, like she had fear in her eyes while talking to me and she's been zoning out. When I asked her what's going on, she didn't say anything. She said that she was fine, but I knew she wasn't fine. We finally decided that it was best if we ordered food and I was hoping that she would tell me something after we ate. So we got burgers and beer. When we both were just finishing, she suddenly ran to the toilet and started throwing up. I don't know what happened. I know that ordering burgers and beer wasn't the best idea, but I didn't think about it back then. And then she stood up and she was out. Just like that. And I don't know why. It's my fault, isn't it?"

Christen was about to nod, but Alyssa was faster. She guided Kelley's eyesight at herself and started talking. "Kells, look at me. It's not your fault. You tried to make your friend feel better, without caring about any consequences. You couldn't have known."

At this moment, the door opened and Vlatko and a team doctor walked in.  
"Why is O'Hara crying, and why is Heath unconscious? Can someone explain to me what's going on here?" Kelley didn't realise she was crying until their coach said that, and a loud sob left her mouth. She tried to keep strong and wipe the tears from her face, but they wouldn't stop streaming from her eyes, as Alyssa told the story she's heard just a minute prior.

Kelley and Christen totally zoned out, cause they both remember talking to coaches and then, the next thing they realise is Tobin waking up in the medical space the hotel has made avaiable for the team. The medical staff had taken Tobin's blood to run the tests and now she was hooked up to the drip.

The sharp jawed forward looked around with bewilderment. She was confused as to why she was in a hospital -ish bed and why were Christen and Kelley crying. At that moment every negative thought that could have appeared, had started to make it's way into Tobin's brain. Fear filled her body to the point where she couldn't move.

They found out what happened. Christen's gonna hate me. They don't want to be friends with me. They know. Why are they here? Are they gonna tell me, that I'm not in this team anymore? Yeah. That's why Vlatko's here too. He's here to tell me that my contract is terminated.

She was buried so deep in her negative thoughts, that she didn't hear anyone talking to her and didn't notice the doctor entering the room. Well, that's until he was standing right by the side of her bed. The moment she became aware of his presence, she suddenly moved to the other side of the bed and shrinked herself, hugging the quilt. She had fear in her eyes bigger than what Kelley saw an hour before.

Tobin was visibly terrified of the man standing close to her. She knew that he was just a doctor and he wasn't gonna harm her in any way, but she couldn't help the fear. She started shaking, looking at him with glassy eyes and in this situation, she felt smaller than she has since the events of previous month.

Christen's heart broke when she saw her girlfriend so vulnerable. She didn't know what was going on with her, or what had happened that caused this unusual behaviour, but she knew that she needed to help her. She moved to be near Tobin's head and the older woman immediately buried her head in Christen's stomach.

The pair has never been in this kind of situation. Usually it was Christen who showed her emotions and any kind of weakness. But this situation wasn't usual. In this situation, Tobin was broken and needed her girlfriend to embrace her and give her safety. In this moment, Christen was the only constancy in her life. She was the only person that didn't change in her eyes.

Kelley, Ashlyn and Megan stopped being funny and became annoying. Ali's presence stopped being calming and making her feel safe and started making her go nuts. And everyone else on the team... well, she still loved them but all their sudden moves and unpredictable moves made her just want to hide or scream and hit someone.  
But Christen. Christen was exactly the same as she was before. Christen's presence still gave her the feeling of safety and security. Christen gave her love and reminded her that she may not be as shitty as she believed she was. Christen gave her warmth. Christen's embrace made her feel important. Holding Christen in her own arms made her feel needed. Christen's smile that always reached her eyes and radiated from them, was the only thing that made her genuinely happy. Made her smile. And they both still looked at each other with those heart-eyes that they couldn't hide from anyone (espetially not from their fans).

So when Tobin had the opportunity, she buried herself in Christen's embrace as much as she could and the raven haired woman felt warm tears soaking her shirt on her stomach.

In reaction to the patient's actions, the doctor moved about a meter away, so he was standing by her feet. When Tobin's sobs almost stopped and her head raised a little to look at him, the doctor started saying what he came there to say. He already knew what had caused footballer's behaviour and her actions when he stood near her only confirmed his worries.

"So Tobin. We ran some tests on your blood and I think you already know the cause of your vomiting and loss of consciousness." She just looked at him blankly. "Tobin, from what I know, you are a lesbian and in a stable relationship with Christen. Am I right?" He asked and this time, both women nodded their heads. "Can I say what I'm about to tell you with everyone who's present here or do you want any of them to leave? I know you know what's happening, so it's your decision."

She sighed and lifted herself from Christen's arms to look at people gathered in the room. On either sides of her bed were standing Christen and Kelley. They had supportive, but worried smiles on their faces, both their eyes were red and puffy, but they weren't crying at the moment. Alyssa was sitting in the armchair that stood not 2 meters away from her bed. Her face was stoic and for someone who didn't know her well she may have seemed untouched by anything. But Tobin knew her since they were kids and she saw the sadness and even fear hiding behind her eyes. Vlatko and one of the assistant coaches were standing by the door. They looked both worried and curious about what was really happening.

"They can stay." The forward nearly whispered, but it was enough for the doctor to hear.

"You're pregnant Tobin and I don't think it's my story to tell as to how it happened."

Tobin knew that she was pregnant. At least she had a feeling that it was possible. Before the incident she decided to ignore the feeling, pushing the possibility away and praying to God that it wasn't true. Unfortunately God's plans weren't always what they wanted them to be.  
She knew that she was pregnant, but the doctor saying it out loud made it real and it hurt her almost physically.

Everyone except from Tobin was in shock. Tobin wasn't a person to cheat on Christen, especially with a man, and this left only one possible option. The option that terrified all of them to even think about. Even Alyssa and their coaches had tears streaming down their faces when they realised what had happened to the woman.

Tobin was shocked when Christen wrapped her arms around her and let her be this close to her. What was even bigger surprise to her, was what her girlfriend said. "It's okay Tobin. You're okay now honey. I've got you. I always will. We'll get through this together. You don't have to say anything you're not ready to say. I'm here. I love you and I won't leave you no matter what. Whatever you decide to do, I'm here for you." When she heard it, Tobin's muscles relaxed a little bit and she fully fell into Christen's embrace. "I'm pretty sure, that whatever you'll tell our team, they'll support you. Even if you decide not to tell them for now, they'll understand."

"Yeah." It was the first time Kelley said anything since they left their hotel room. Her voice was raspy and shaky from crying, but she kept talking nevertheless. "We love you Toby. The whole team loves you and we're not gonna leave one of ours when they need us. Especially our nutmeg queen, whom everyone loves more than anyone else on the team. Even Becky, and we all know how much we love Mama Becky."

The statement was met with unexpected chuckle from Tobin. "Yeah, it's not possible not to love Mama Becky. That woman is a wonder." That's why everyone loved Kelley O'Hara. She could lighten even the darkest of moods and situations. She was always there for her teammates. She was supportive, but at the same time, was able to say something that even in situations like this one was able to make people laugh. "But now you're gonna have to love Mama Tobin too."

Tobin's smile in this moment was something else. She made probably one of the hardest decisions in her life, a decision that had to be made because of an awful trauma. But she smiled. For the first time in almost a month, she felt safe. Well, not entirely safe, but as safe as she could with the bundle of fear, still burried deep inside her.

"We'll do it together Toby. I'll always be beside you." Christen reassured her girlfriend, who even though she was smiling, was filled with fear, doubt and negative thoughts. Everyone's hearts broke and healed at the same time, seeing broken Tobin and the relationship Christen and her had. The support they showed and the love they gave each other made people believe in true love.  
Tobin looked up at her girlfriend to show her that she heard and understands her and is grateful.

"I love you Chris. I'm sorry I made you cry. I messed up. I hurt you and it's all my fault." She tried to continue, but was cut off.

"Hey, Toby look at me. Baby, none of this is your fault. Yes, it hurts me to see you hurt and I cry because I love you and seeing you suffer makes my heart break. But it's not you who hurt me. It's that bastard who did it to you. You didn't mess up. You are a wonderful person and you didn't do anything wrong." At those words, Tobin just buried her head further into Christen's stomach and continued crying.

An hour later the doctor came up to Vlatko and told him that they can go back to the hotel. He gave him a prescription of medication for Tobin and a info about her athletic health and what she can and can't do.

Half an hour later, after they switched the rooms, so Christen could be with Tobin, the two layed in bed, wrapped up in each other's arms. Tobin kept her head on her girlfriend's chest in a way, that she could listen to her heart beat.

"I love you Chris." It was only a whisper, but those were the last words that left her mouth before she fell asleep.


	2. The talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin tells her teammates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as you requested

"I think I need to tell some of the girls from the team." Tobin said when her and Christen were still laying in bed in the morning.

Neither of them slept well, but they tried. Tobin's head was filled with bad memories and every time she fell asleep, she was reliving the night she was raped. She felt their arms all over her body, like they were there. Every time she woke up and realised, that the arms around her belonged to her girlfriend, she sighed in relief and, if it even was possible, snuggled closer to her.   
Christen started imagining how terrifying it was for the woman she loved. She was imagining all the feelings she had to have, all the pain she had to experience. Then, the thoughts regarding to the fact that Tobin was pregnant and that they would have a child in less than 8 months. A child neither of them was ready for. She didn't fall asleep until 5 am at all.

"You don't have to tell them anything if you're not comfortable." She assured her girlfriend, but Tobin shook her head and looked her in the eyes.

"I don't think I'll ever be comfortable talking about it. But I want my best friends to know. I want you to know more. And I know I need you all." Christen heard everything she said, only because she was this close to her, because Tobin's voice was so quiet and weak.

When their alarm went off, Tobin flinched but it didn't take her long to calm down, still listening to her girlfriend's heartbeat.

"Do you want to go to breakfast, or should I call Kelley to get us some food here?"

Tobin hesitated for a second before answearing. "Can... can I maybe tell the girls before the breakfast and we go there together?"

"Whatever you need baby. Who do you want to tell? I'll call Vlatko and tell him we'll be late." The raven haired woman stood up and grabbed her phone and waited for her girlfriend to get comfortable on the bed and to give her the answear.

"Can you maybe get Ash, Ali, Megan, Kelley, Alyssa, Allie and Alex?"

"Of course honey."

Ten minutes later a knock could be heard in the room. Christen looked at Tobin, asking her silently if she was okay and ready and when she got a slight nod for an answear, she went to let their friends in.

"What is so important that you have to make me late for breakfast?" Ashlyn had annoyance in her voice but when she saw Tobin curled on the bed, with fear in her eyes her expression immediately softened. "Hey what happened? How bad is it?" That's how Ashlyn always was. She was goofy and always hungry, but when she noticed that any of her friends needed it, all of the stupid jokes went away.

"Can you guys sit on the other bed? Tobin has something to tell you. But you have to promise that you won't tell anyone who's not in this room. And please, don't freak out." The girls looked beyond confused but when they noticed the fear in Tobin's eyes, they just did what Christen asked them to do.

"Can you sit with them Chris and can Lyss and Ash sit with me?" Tobin's voice was so weak that it broke everyone's hearts, but they all smiled at her softly.

"Of course Toby, whatever you need." Christen just nodded and took the place beside Ali, while the keepers sat on both sides of Tobin, embracing her protectively in their arms.

There was a long silence and, after a few attempts of opening her mouth and nothing coming out, Ali caught up to the fact that Tobin just couldn't say anything. "You don't have to tell us if you don't want to Tobin. It's not gonna change how we see you." Her voice was as encouraging as always and it gave the still terrified woman, a little bit of confidence.

"But we're always here for you. No matter what you're gonna tell us. We won't leave you. We'll stand by your side and help you as well as we can." Everyone nodded at Alex's words and Tobin could practically feel their love surrounding her and she knew that she didn't deserve such wonderful friends.

"We all love you and nothing can change it." Allie gave her the softest smile anyone has ever seen on her face and Tobin knew she can't keep quiet anymore.

"It can." She whispered. She couldn't look at her friends anymore, because she was such a disappointment. She looked at her lap and started playing with Alyssa's fingers. "I... um..." After another minute of silence she finally managed to say something. "I-I was..."

The word got stuck in her throat. Saying it would make it real. She tried to avoid it so much, that she didn't even think it. The fact that she was pregnant became real the previous night, when the doctor said it out loud, but the cause of it still stayed kind of a fiction for her. She wanted to keep it a fiction as long as she could, but she knew, that the 'as long as she could' was coming to an end. She knew, that accepting what had happened to her was a step to healing from the trauma, but the knowledge didn't make it any easier.

"Saying it will make it real. It's so real in my memories and my dreams, but it's like a nightmare that comes back to me every night. Like it's still not real. You know? Like it's real but not real." The girl was now full on crying, her face partly buried in her friend's arms that were holding her tightly.

When she calmed herself a bit, Ashlyn and Alyssa rocking her soothingly, she decided that she couldn't hold it in anymore. She thought about how wonderful her friends are and just said the words she was so afraid of.   
"I was raped."

And it became real. The thing she was trying to deny, even to herself, was now out to all her best friends on the team. The thing that surprised her the most, was that saying it out loud, even though it hurt, felt freeing. Like a part of a huge weight was taken off her shoulders.

"You're safe now. We're here and we won't let anyone hurt you." Megan, who was previously quiet, and even though she was there for her friend, had problems with keeping her eyes open, was now wide awake, the anger at the person who hurt Tobin filling her to the point where she had problems controlling it. It was untetherable for her, how anyone could want to hurt such a pure creature, that Tobin was. She squeezed Christen's hand to keep calm for Tobin's sake.

"I'm also pregnant." It was easier to say for Tobin, since it had already become real, but it wasn't easier to hear for her friends. They looked beyond shocked, but didn't know how to answear. All Christen wanted to do, was to embrace her girlfriend and assure her that she was there for her, but she knew that the other woman needed exactly what she had. Two strong goalkeepers by her sides. She had to hold on to Ali not to stand up and move their friends aside and hold Tobin.

"You're what? How?" Allie was the first one to shake herself from shock. The dumbstruck look on her face though, looked kinda funny for those, whom the news didn't surprise this time.

"I'm pregnant. Like when a female's egg cell and male's sperm connect and get placed in a womb and then the cells start to divide and later it turns into a little human? I thought you knew what the word pregnant meant. Didn't your parents give you the talk when you were, like ten?"

Tobin being back to joking left them all speechless. If they didn't know what to say before, they definitely had no idea now.

"I thought Kelley would be first to say that."

"Honestly? Same." Alyssa and Kelley were the only ones that weren't hit with the news like with a truck, because they already knew everything. Christen was trying to control herself and not shove Ash and Lyss away from her girlfriend, so she wasn't as calm. Tobin felt like the big weight was lifted from her back, so she was trying act like she was fine.

"Can you all stop staring at me? Just ask what you need to ask, so we can go to breakfast. I'm hungry." Tobin wasn't relaxed, but she tried to look like it. Not that it could have fooled any of her best friends, but it actually gave her confidence. After another minute of silence, a single word left Pinoe's mouth.

"When?"

"A month ago, in Portland. I was on a late run. It was probably my fault, I was only in shorts and a sports bra and I took the longer route through the worse parts of the city. I thought it would be more quiet. I had my earpods in, so I didn't hear anybody until they pushed me to the ground and dragged me where no one could see us. I should have worn a shirt and ran somewhere more crowded." When Ali realised, that Tobin was blaming herself for being raped, she stood up and squatted in front of her friend.

"Tobin, look me in the eyes and listen." When the red puffy eyes were finally looking at her, she continued. "I want you to know that none of this was your fault. You did nothing wrong. The fault for this, fully lays on those assholes, who dared to put their hands on you. Remember that and don't make me repeat myself. You are a wonderful human being. We all love you with our whole hearts. So do all of your fans. You're an inspiration to hundreads, even thousands of young people. This situation couldn't be any less your fault and almost every woman in this world will tell you that." She reached out and carefully took Tobin's hand in hers comfortingly. "Do you understand honey?" The girl had that typical Ali smile that brought smiles to everyone even at their worst.

"Yeah..." the shorter girl shrugged, not looking convinced at all.

"I want you to say it. Say that none of this was your fault. I want you to believe it." Ali's voice was demanding, but also calm and loving.

"It doesn't matter if I believe it. There's nothing we can do about it anyway. No one's gonna believe me."

"Honey, we believe you. The rest of the team will believe and support you. Your fans will believe and support you. But the most important thing right now, is for YOU to believe it yourself. For you to believe, that it wasn't your fault. That you're a wonderful human being. No one can take that away from you. Just like nothing can make us love you any less."

"I'm trying to believe it Ali. I really am. It's just hard. All the consequences fall on me and all of this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so stupid."

"That's all I wanted to hear. That you're trying. Just always remember, that we're here for you."

After that Ali came back to her place and the room was filled with silence once again. After a few minutes of everyone getting lost in their thoughts, Alex's soft voice caused for some of them to jump surprised. "Are you going to keep it?"

"Yes. This pregnancy is the only good thing that came out of it. I'm gonna make sure this kid turns out better than their unwanted sperm giver." No one really expected a different answear from the religious woman that Tobin was, but the though of her being pregnant seemed just unreal to them. Even though they all knew that the decision belonged to Tobin, they still all looked at Christen, as if expecting a second hand answear.

"Hey guys, have you heard? I'll be a mother!"

"Ok, that answears my follow up question."

The next question came from her side, from still holding her Ashlyn. "Do you plan on telling the rest of the team?"

"At some point. It's not something you can keep secret in the long term. But the doctor said that I can still do everything during this camp, as long as I feel comfortable, so it's not like I'll suddenly stop training and they'll ask questions." Right when she was about to tell them about previous night's events and why she wouldn't be training for this one day, she felt her insides squeezing and the bile (since her stomach was empty), making its way up her throat.

As if she felt that coming, Alyssa stood up the exact same moment Tobin was about to rip herself out of their embrace, and as the shorter girl made her way to the bathroom, the goalkeeper was there to hold her hair and rub her back comfortingly. "Do you want to stay in the room and for someone to bring you breafast? You must be exhausted." The older woman asked when the pregnant lady finally finished shaking from the need to throw up. The tears, that left her while spasming from her organism trying to core out the already empty stomach, were making her shirt wet. The remnants of bile were still burning her mouth. It was only the beggining of the second month and she already hated the pregnancy.

"No, give me 5 minutes to freshen up and we can all go. I think I need it." The slight smile she gave Alyssa wasn't too convincing, but she decided to drop it and let her be. She left Tobin in the bathroom to let her get ready. It took her a bit longer than said 5 minutes, but when she left, she looked much better and more confident that any of them have seen her during this camp. Her eyes weren't red, and there was even a slight smile. "Everyone ready to go? I'm hungry and done with being questioned. You'll find out sooner or later anyway. Before she could turn to the door though, she saw Kelley raising her hand. "I said I'm done being questioned." She was already reaching for the doorknob, when she heared her friend ignore her request.

"One more. Have you told your parents?" She stopped motionless. She's been so stressed about the future of her career and about Christen, that her parents didn't even cross her mind.

"Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I make it into a longer story where Tobin and Christen deal with everything and then with the kid, or should I end it at her conversation with her family?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin tells her family, Christen worries about her.

"Have you told your parents?"

"Fuck."

She stopped in her tracks, Ashlyn, who was right behind her, bumping into her.

"Hey! Why did you stop like that?! We're going to eat! Food! I'm hungry!" It's not like she ignored Tobin's current feelings and fear, she knew that changing the subject to food and distracting the younger woman, was what she needed. The pregnant woman had to eat, and worrying about her parents was unnecessary.

"Tobin, we'll call your parents after the practice, ok? Now lets forget about it for a second and eat finally." Christen kissed her on the cheek, before pushing her out the room.

At breakfast and practice, even if questioned about being late, the group dismissed their teammates. They knew that the rest of the team realized something was going on, and Tobin was aware she couldn't keep it from them for a long time.

Hours later, when they finally got some free time, the couple turned on their laptop and video called the Heath family group. As her parents and siblings were all staring at them from the screen, Tobin was trembling in Christen's shoulders. While trying to comfort her girlfriend, the younger woman's hand unconsciously landed on her stomach, where the fetus of their child was. When Tobin noticed it, she got more tense, but only for a second, before she smiled and actually calmed down.

"Hi, Earth to Tobin! You wanted to tell us something?" Their moment got broken by Katie's voice coming from the device laying on their laps.

"Yeah, didn't say I wanted to. I said I had to tell you something." Christen's presence was calming her a bit, she was dreading telling her family, and now, as they were all looking at her curiously, there was no backing out. "Yeah, um..." Telling her friends was easy in comparison to her family. Her friends didn't have so many expectations towards her. They loved her for who she was, because they met her as this grown up human. Since they met her, they saw different side of her than her family ever would. Besides, they were much more tolerant and progressive than her parents. Her family on the other hand, has known her since she was born. Even before that, they started creating this vision of her whole life. They had it all planned out for her, and she's already disappointed them so much. She was aware that telling them what she had to now, would break their hearts, but she also knew there was no other way of handling the situation.

They all had to notice Tobin's anxiety and discomfort, because as she raised her sight back up from her lap, they were all looking at her with sympathy and compassion. They stayed quiet, giving her time to say what she had to. She started nervously playing with Christen's fingers, her lips parted a few times, like she was trying to say something, but every time they closed a few seconds later in defeat. After, what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, of silence, she started crying. A single strangled world left her mouth, sounding more like a loud sob. "Mommy". It was like she was a child, seeking her mother's comfort, when she couldn't get it. She buried herself deeper into her girlfriend's embrace instead.

She didn't have to say anything, the sight of her shaking with sobs was enough to break everyone's hearts. They hated seeing their little Toby (Jeff may have been younger, but Tobin was always the family's little sister), in this state, and Tobin hated breaking her family's, Christen included, hearts.

"They were so big and so strong mom." Her voice broke over the sounds of everyone crying. It wasn't loud and they could hear that she was choking on her tears. "I couldn't get away from them." The miserable voice was hard to listen. "It hurt so much. It hurts mamma." Cindy felt helpless. She wanted to be there and hold her daughter so much. "I can still feel them. I was so cold. And now I can never forget, because I'm pregnant." Her sisters and mom gasped shocked, her dad and brother mumbled something like 'I'll kill them' and 'those fucking bastards'. "I'm so sorry mom. It's all my fault. I'm sorry."

"Oh baby." Cindy sighed with so much pain in her voice. It felt like she failed to protect her child and that was the worst thing for a mother to feel. "I love you so much honey. None of this was your fault, and I want you to always remember it." Her daughter nodded, but after a few seconds of virtual eye contact, she hid her face in the other girl's neck.

"Did they catch them? Are those assholes in jail?" Tobin's only younger sibling was pissed. So did her father, but the older man was better at masking it.

Christen, who was much more composed than Tobin, decided that it was the right moment to step in and replace her in answering questions, just like they discussed before. "No. She didn't get to see their faces properly, and they left her unconscious in the empty alley. When she woke up, she went to her apartment, to scared to report it to police or go to the hospital."

"God how much I want to beat their asses."

"We all do Jeff." Replied Perry, her voice much calmer, but incredibly raspy. "We all do."

They noticed that Tobin was done talking about it, so they started directing their questions at the dark skinned woman. "She said she's pregnant? Is she keeping it?" Katie was a bit hesitant to ask that.

"Yeah. We've been talking about having kids since we're not getting younger, and she says that this is the only good thing that has come out of it."

"Our little Toby is gonna be a mom. Unbelievable." Perry knew what she was doing using the nickname.

"Don't call me Toby." She raised her head and glared at her older sister, trying to be intimidating despite her miserable state.

"Is it really that unbelievable though Perry? She has always been good with kids."

That's how, with their talk about kids, Tobin's sisters loosened up the atmosphere and made her smile. Burying the heartbreak under the positive conversation was usually what they did when things got tough.

An hour later, when the soccer players were about to go to the team dinner, Christen's phone lit up with a notification. It was an SMS from Tobin's mom. 'Call me when you don't have Tobin next to you.' Cindy didn't text her often, so she assumed the matter was urgent. When her girlfriend was busy with a heated conversation with Becky about some Arsenal game, she went out and made the call.

"Hi Cindy, what did you want to talk about?" She answered joyfully before her (almost) mother in law could say anything.

"Hi Christen honey, I wanted to talk with you about my daughter." She sounded serious, so the joy also immediately left the younger woman.

"Wasn't expecting anything else."

"First of all, I want to make sure you're taking good care of her. You're not leaving her right? I know you said that you both had the kid talk, but I just need to be 100% sure, that someone is looking after my baby. She's suffered so much already." The way Cindy protected her daughter, reminded her of her own mom. It was one of those moments when she missed her the most. When other mothers acted just like hers did. She was incredibly grateful that her girlfriend's mother had taken her under her wings and made sure that, even though she was an adult, she had a motherly figure.

"Of course. I love her and nothing can change that. Especially her being raped and getting pregnant." When she heard a sob, she realized, that it was the first time the word has been used in this context. Not once had they used it in the previous conversation, and even though she was aware of what has happened to her daughter, Christen using the word, felt like a punch in the gut. "Now more than ever, I'm going to protect her as well as I can. I'll make sure she's taken care of."

"That's what I wanted to hear. But how has she really been? I know we've seen the breakdown, but how has she been keeping up besides that?"

"She's tough, but there's only that much trauma someone can go through and be fine. She's trying to act like she's unaffected, but she's scared all the time. Behind the usual joy in her eyes, is fear. She's always cautious, she jumps at loud noises and tenses up when someone around her makes a sudden move. She tries to stay as far away from any men as she can. She has nightmares. In addition, she's pregnant and the morning sickness is exhausting her. I've only found out last night, but I knew something was terribly wrong with her, even though she dismissed me. She was alone for a month Cindy. A whole month of no one knowing. I can't even try to imagine what was going on in her head this whole time." The more she thought about what the love of her life had to go through, the more she wanted to just hold her in her arms and make sure she was safe.

"I can't stop thinking about the pain, my little girl must be feeling Christen. One day you'll find out how it feels to care for someone so deeply, that anything they feel, you feel a few times harder. Every heartbreak my children go through, makes my own heart shatter. Every time my children are in danger, I worry so profoundly about them, I can't think about anything else. If something bad happens to them, a part of me dies." She couldn't hear her, but the football player heard that the older woman was crying. "My sweet Toby."

"I'm taking care of her Cindy. I've already decided to leave my club for the rest of the season to be with her, and ask for a trade to Portland. I can't even try to imagine what you, or Tobin are going through. It hurts me to see her like this too. I hope to one day find out how it feels to have a child to care for so much, and it will probably happen sooner than later."

"Speaking of, how are you honey?" Cindy's tone turned into the "caring mother mode". After Stacy's death, she had started using it towards her. She made sure her daughter's girlfriend knew she wasn't trying to replace Stacy, but to give her another shoulder to cry on, another motherly figure and another person to confide to. So now, with this tone, she was Mama Cindy, not Tobin's mom.

"I'm fine." She trailed off. She knew she had to throw it all out, but it all still felt unreal. Just like Tobin said, that for over a month she had been keeping the whole thing as an unreal fiction, even to herself. She didn't look and the bruises and tried to deny the memories an access to her mind.

"I've known you for years sweetie, I know you're not fine at all. Talk to me. You know you can confide in me." The overwhelming feeling of love, started to surround Christen and embrace her entirely.

"I don't know what to do Cindy. I feel helpless. I want to protect her, make her feel loved and safe, but I feel that there's nothing I can do. She's carrying their child for god's sake. How can anyone forget such a trauma, when there is a constant reminder of it. I know I want to raise her, or him, or them, with her. But I don't know if I'm ready. We've been talking about kids as of something in a future, that we would have to try hard to have. We were thinking of fostering or adopting. It's... Cindy I'm gonna be a mother! What if I suck at it! What if I can't love this baby enough, because they'll come to earth as a result of such horrible event? What if their face will be similar to the sperm asshole's face and Tobin won't be able to love them enough, no matter how hard she tries?" Anyone who heard or saw her would notice the inevitable panic creeping into her mind.

"Christen honey, could you maybe try and breathe with me? Listen to my voice, and breathe. In... and out..." After a few minutes of Cindy saying soothing words into the phone, the footballer's breathing started to even out. "You're both gonna be wonderful mothers. I'll get another grandkid and nothing will change the love you'll feel when you see them. You just have to start thinking of the baby, as yours. I've already seen both of you around children and you're naturals. Remember that it's not this child's fault, how they were conceived."

"Maybe you're right. I just can't stop thinking about how my mom won't see me become a mother. She won't ever physically meet her grandchildren. I know that she's always here and never leaves my side, but I still miss her. I sometimes still want to call her and tell her everything, before I remember that she can't pick up the phone." She was sitting by the wall, on a hotel hall floor, her face stained with tears. "I'm scared I'm gonna fail everyone. I'm gonna fail Tobin, fail our child, fail my mom."

"You won't fail anyone Christen. You are a wonderful person and you're strong. I miss Stacy too, but she's still here for you." The younger woman couldn't express how grateful she was for Cindy and how loved she felt around her.

"Thank you Cindy. I'll never be able to show you how glad I am to have you."

After the conversation ended, instead of going back, to rejoin her teammates at dinner, she decided to go for a walk. She needed to calm down, since she was still a bit shaky and had tears on her face. Right when she stepped out of the hotel, she felt someone's presence behind her.

"You didn't think you could just leave alone, not telling anyone where you're going, did you? Don't you dare worry Tobin like that. When you left out of nowhere, she started freaking out."

"I didn't want to freak her out Pinoe. I was talking with her mom on the phone." Christen didn't even stop or look at her teammate. She just continued walking down the street.

"Christen stop for a second please. You're fast!" By the time she managed to catch up to the younger woman, they were already a few blocks away from the hotel. "Christen Annemarie Press! Stop where you are and talk to me!"

"Fine! What the fuck do you want from me Megan!?" As Christen turned around, her friend noticed her tear stained face. "Because I don't really feel like talking right now! I was talking to Tobin's mom, cause I'm gonna be a mother, and I don't even have my own to talk to about it! My girlfriend has been hurt, and I didn't even notice! It happened over a month ago, and I haven't figured it out! She was alone with it! And I couldn't help her! So no! I don't really feel like talking! Now go back to the hotel and take care of my hurt, pregnant girlfriend. I can't face her with how guilty I feel right now. And tell Lyss I'll be back in some time." After those words, she turned away from the dumbstruck Pinoe and took off running without any certain destination.

**Author's Note:**

> I've written the first chapter a while ago, so the whole Olympics and Portland thing doesn't really work anymore, but whatever.


End file.
